It ain't complicated

11 months since I was ripped in half. I am growing more and more comfortable with being alone but still have long moments of pity for myself and wishing I had the comfort I once enjoyed. No getting that back and I accept it, I even accept the possibility that I will always be alone. I don't like it but I know from past experience that living with the wrong someone is worse than being alone. I choose alone. I know I do. I don't have to be alone.

My state of mind seems to grow worse with the waning of the Klonapin. It has lost it's effectiveness over time and I am in serious need of more. I find myself self medicating to remain in balance yet I still have lost days. Days I force myself to move or worse yet the days I lack the energy to force it. The Portland Health Clinic is my best option for healthcare these days and it seems I am a difficult patient so in order to see the psychiatrist I have to wait until July. Deep sigh.

I think I will have to shell out the $68 it takes to see my general practitioner and pay out of pocket for any meds he prescribes me just to get me through until then. I know he will take care of me and I can have relief quickly. Hopefully with relief will come progress. Progress in my business, and with my family.

At the Grief Support Meeting this morning I was so disappointed at the description of grief as a cyclical thing. I learned early on that it was not linear but to call it cyclical is wrong as well. There are no viscous cycles of grief, it doesn't go round and round. He described it as a trip from here to New York City. I'm sorry but that's just stupid. Bless his heart, I know he is teaching what he has learned and I know everyone suffers grief. But my grief has been like a raquetball shot out of a cannon into a closed room. I never know where it's going to take me.

Grief hits out of no where, sweet memories come and they are bitter tasting still. Overwhelming sadness comes less and less but I think sometimes they are internalized and come out in different ways. They aren't gone and can still hit you when least expected. One of the members talked about losing her mother. I am blessed and grateful I don't have to deal with that. Mom and I are just going to have to go out of this world together. I could in no way deal with her loss and don't want to put her through losing me.

It's not the grief that's keeping me in this state right now though, it's a combination of mental illnees, PTSD that just was made worse when I found my lover dead in the yard and the strength and focus it takes to keep myself from being disabled but rather to be successful. I am tired and everything he did for me before is either being done by me, the boys or not getting done at all.

It seems everyone I have here either helps and wants something. My attention or my stuff, shakes head disdainfully. I am so disappointed in people right now that there would be so many that would take advantage of you, even in your most vulnerable state. Oh well, it's all those years of looting bodies on video games, I guess Karma is taking it's toll. Some say they will help and are never heard from again. So most of what needs being done I have to do. I have wiring in the basement that needs to be fixed. I "think" I can do it but I am no electrician and know it would take a real electrician moments to fix but I will lose at least a day on that. It took me three days to remove my dishwasher and install a new one. Help isn't the main thing I miss though. Alone I am used to but that doesn't mean I want to remain this way forever.

Being alone is nice at times but right now I would like to share the movie and warm bed I'm about to get into. I'm in no hurry but I am pretty sure now that I do have heart left to give. Perhaps even more so having survived this experience. Knowing what I know now I would have done more for him and with him. Doting as I am I would have done more. It ain't complicated we have a short time on this earth and I am not holding back anything I have left to give. I just ain't giving it to anyone who doesn't deserve this woman I am becoming.