I think I am pissed these days because I am losing that romantic notion of him as the perfect man. He was not perfect, he did his best as I did mine but none of us are infallible. This week I have been upset because sex was rare. I know now that it was his heart condition that caused him to be unable to perform in that way. I knew it then, I tried to tell him, but he refused to see anyone about it. He would complain that I didn't initiate enough. Well, let's see - it takes me longer to clean up than it takes to actually get a little action. No, I didn't initiate because I couldn't take the frustration and I couldn't deal with the frustration it caused him, I felt like it was my fault for the longest time. He would plead with me and assure me that it had nothing to do with me. But, you know when two become one, what effects one effects the other so it was my problem, regardless of whether it was my fault or not. I hated him feeling inferior because of his inability to please me so I avoided sex altogether. There were days I thought the UPS man had better not come to my door or he would be in danger but I was able to maintain my hormonal urges until they left me. Then, because he didn't listen to my pleas that he get help, he left me as well.
Now I miss him, I miss sex, I miss the world not understanding how I feel and judging me for my behavior no matter what I do. If I grieve too long then I am a spinster, if I move on and start dating then I am a whore, I can't win. I am still deeply in love with a dead man who will never come back to me, never hold me, never sleep next to me at night, never tell me everything will be okay and never protect me from things he deems inappropriate for me to hear or see. He was my shield, my rock, my person here on earth who kept me from harm and made me laugh. I want to laugh again. But if I laugh too soon then I will be judged, I know it's my southern upbringing but I can't help it.
I have the mandatory year of mourning, I should be still wearing black and crying every day. I do. I don't have to make myself try. It just comes and it's not bad all the time, at times it is bittersweet. Memories are starting to come back. Instead of seeing his cold dead body on the ground now I can see pictures of things we did together and I can remember what a stick in the mud he was when it came to going out and doing anything fun. He was a homebody and I loved that about him. But I want to get out in the world and see what I can see, experience some of what's out there. I haven't ventured out yet, other than to the bookstore and shopping but I am ready for a little adventure and I don't need to be labelled for that. I don't know what life has in store for me yet. All I do know is that I have a 12 year old to raise and a 17 year old autistic son with no plans for next year after he graduates. They have to come first.
I am too young to be in this position damn it and I am still really pissed about it. I know I can't change the past and all I can do is take one day at a time. But right now I am pissed that I am in this situation and no one, not anyone, not one person in this whole freaking world can look at me with anything but pity and judgement. Walk in my shoes for awhile and see what comes out aching. I guarantee it there are parts that will ache you never knew you had. I live in this house we shared together, I am alone every day, and alone every night. I am in a vulnerable position because I realize I could be swept off my feet in my condition. So I stay home. I need to go out and be around people though. Here comes the judgement, why me, if it were a man in the same position would he be judged as harshly as me?
So my husband has been dead for four months. I have been alive, grieving and alone this whole time. What am I supposed to do? I need human interaction. I hug everyone I know and tell them I love them because I need it so badly it leaks out of every pore of my being. It has become me. I don't even know who I am anymore, I am trying to discover that but it is difficult. I am no longer the pampered wife and caretaker. I am no longer responsible for making him look good and keeping him happy. All I have left is me and I have only a slight clue as to where the rest of my life is going. I am trying to move on but to where?
Okay, that was a bit of a rant I know but, I am missing so much from my life right now that cannot be replaced. I have needs right now that cannot be met. I've lost my husband, I've lost my job and I've lost my identity. I hope the world slows down long enough for me to get back on at some point but for now, I guess I'll just float around here in outer space hoping I will come down some day into a life I can call my own.