These last weeks have been physically and emotionally exhausting. My heart is still broken over the loss of Vicki's husband. I want so badly to take away her pain, but there is nothing any of us can do.

I made another trip back to see her, to try to help her, to do whatever needed to be done.  We had a couple of laughs but spent most of the long 4th of July weekend running errands and working to clean up her ceramics studio.

The boys are not doing well right now and she is a mess too.  Now that the number of people visiting has dwindled, they are all finally alone with their grief.  And I think the reality has finally set in with the boys. They are all having trouble sleeping and the boys are struggling and wanting the world to slow down.  They're all still waiting for Scott to come home from work. When something like this hits someone you love, it devastates you as well.

I'm an atheist at this point in my life. She is not.  I have trouble believing that there is a God "who wanted Scott with him". I cannot believe that there is a purpose in taking a husband, a father, a son from those who love and depend on him. It kind of pisses me off.

I talk/email/text with Vicki daily - sometimes several times a day and just when I think things might be getting to the bearable stage for her, there is a setback. At one point she seemed suicidal and later that day she had purchased new bedding for the bed that she has not slept in since Scott died.

I no longer know what to say or what to do.

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